ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*