I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
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To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
no refunds
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.