they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I feel seen.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Not today
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where