Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know