YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.