The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Did…did a minotaur write this
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain