You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum