I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
You Might Also Like
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*has no idea what a book even is*