ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
there’s probably a fee though
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Midwest trash talk
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?