You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
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Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Hmm, not sure about this change
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?