There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Am getting real tired of your crap…