I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.