My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[at the general store]
me: one general please
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.