I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
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My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter