Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.