Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …