God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.