Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee