I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
You Might Also Like
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Harsh but fair
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.