I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Just a phase…
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
new wife guy just dropped
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Does beer think about me too?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.