The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago