Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
who wore it better?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
What the dentist sees
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.