ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
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[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”