My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Try and stop me.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Is this the real life?
Is this just
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right