I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Very problematic
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.