Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
somebody come look at this
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.