My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.