Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
You Might Also Like
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.