My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
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I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My beach vacation Google searches
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.