MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character