you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]