Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
No laws when master is gone
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.