How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Do not levitate over flowers
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
March 16
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.