*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Skills
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.