Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
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“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.