me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL