How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Oh, I bet you would be
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
opening twitter today
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.