My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die