What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
the Monday after daylight savings
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out