When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
You Might Also Like
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.