A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart