There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
pat pat
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Damn what did I do next
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
is nasa ok
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.