I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Anime is real
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”