Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Wait a minute
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”