If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.