Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
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me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.