Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
You Might Also Like
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex