age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore