So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
what the
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside