If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
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*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible